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On The Bachelorette, Hannah can’t catch more than a glimpse of the Luke Ness Monster

On The Bachelorette, Hannah can’t catch more than a glimpse of the Luke Ness Monster
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The Loch Ness Monster is a large creature alleged to live in the depths of a Scottish lake, but which no one has been able to prove isn’t fake. The Luke Ness Monster is a large creature that accompanied Hannah Brown to Scotland on The Bachelorette, but which she spent way too much time trying to prove isn’t fake.

Frankly, if I had to choose, I’d say Nessie is more real than Luke Parker. There are so many red flags waving on this dude if they’d gone to Spain instead of Scotland he might have risked getting trampled by bulls.

And yet, instead of sending him home at the beginning of the episode, which would have been the smart thing to do, Hannah kept Luke P around and then spent most of their subsequent one-on-one date giving him chance after chance after chance to justify his reprieve — all of which he blew!

The episode ended with Hannah saying, “Luke, I can’t give you this rose,” but since we didn’t actually see him leave and we caught a glimpse of him in the promo for next week’s episode, I am skeptical. There’s a chance Hannah will keep beating her head against the brick wall that is Luke.

In the meantime, here’s how the episode went down.

Luke vs. Luke, the finale: You’ll recall when we left off last week Hannah had pulled both Luke S and Luke P aside for a talk ahead of the rose ceremony. I don’t want to rehash the whole sorry argument. Basically Luke P lied to Hannah about Luke S and then lied in front of the other guys that he was going to tell the truth about Luke S to Hannah, except he just told her more lies. And even though the other men told Hannah Luke P was a liar she gave him a rose.

Luke S showed some sense and sent himself home. Who needs that kind of grief when you’re only destined to be group date fodder?

Hannah also gave roses to Peter, Connor, Dylan, Dustin, Mike, Kevin, Devin and Grant.

Date No. 1 with Mike: What’s not to like about Mike? He’s good-looking, he seems to have a sense of humour, he’s not Luke P.

He and Hannah spent time exploring Inverness, Scotland, doing things like reading poetry in an old bookstore, trying apparently horrible tasting candies called “black death,” choking down haggis and sampling highland whisky.

Of course, every one-on-one dinner comes with a side of true confessions, so Mike told Hannah it took him years to get over his ex and he was really nervous about getting his heart broken again, but he also told her he could see himself getting down on one knee in a few weeks, so for dessert he got a date rose.

Date No. 2 with Devin, Tyler, Jed, Dylan, Grant, Connor, Dustin, Peter, Kevin, Garrett: The main purpose of this group date seemed to be getting the men into kilts. We all know what men don’t wear under their kilts so lots of black bars were employed when they engaged in the backhold wrestling part of their “ancient Celtic highland games.”

“I saw all the bagpipes,” quipped Hannah.

They also threw axes very badly, except for Tyler, and ran yoke races with buckets of milk attached to the yokes.

Jed showed off by pouring milk over his head and wrestling Hannah (and letting her win) so he got the prize, a deed for one square foot of land, and smooched Hannah in front of the other men.

Despite that there seemed to be no hard feelings on the date, which everyone credited to the absence of Luke P. Even when Kevin stumbled on Jed and Hannah in an extra friendly clinch he joked about it instead of getting mad.

Hannah also got physical with Peter and Tyler, getting horizontal on a billiard table with one and on a bed with the other, but the date rose went to Jed. Perhaps she was more impressed with his bagpipe.

Date No. 3 with Luke P: So let’s get this straight. Hannah admitted there were “red flags everywhere” with Luke, that he was very much disliked by the other men and that his attempts to try to be perfect made him seem fake. And still she was trying to figure out if he was the man for her? For real?

She spent a very frustrating day (for us as well as her) trying to get Luke to answer her questions with something more than platitudes. Why did all the men dislike him so much? Luke claimed they were just twisting his words and everyone else he’d ever met “loves me.”

“How does it make you feel?” she wanted to know. Luke claimed he didn’t feel anything “because I know I’m here for you and I’m not ever gonna lose sight of that.”

Hannah actually walked off in exasperation and tried to get two producers to talk to Luke for her, but they said it was on her.

So she kept on asking him the same questions and expressing the same frustrations but refusing to do the obvious thing and send him home. “What if I let go of Luke and he’s the one I’m supposed to be with?” she said in confessional.

Then again, her idea of important stuff she wanted to know about Luke included, “Do you like macaroni and cheese or spaghetti more?”

At dinner, Hannah claimed there was “a great man” inside Luke, but he was trapped behind walls, which seems so ridiculous I can’t even. Like seriously, you’re thinking about getting married to this guy and you’re having this hard a time just getting through a dinner conversation?

In her confessional, Hannah described him as “weird robotic Luke,” which perhaps explains why he can’t keep his lies straight. I guess his circuits are fried.

The perfect example is when he told the guys he was looking forward to his date as a way to “know if I want to be here still” and to “find clarity in how I feel about her” and then later told Mike he had never questioned wanting to be there and his feelings for Hannah hadn’t changed since the first group date when he told her he was falling for her.

It seemed like Hannah had finally thrown in the towel when she told Luke she couldn’t give him the rose, but we saw him in the promo praying for Hannah to forgive him. We also saw Garrett getting shirty with some other guy and Hannah crying on Chris Harrison’s shoulder.
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