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On the Bachelorette, Hannah gets naked and Luke P is exposed

On the Bachelorette, Hannah gets naked and Luke P is exposed
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No, Hannah Brown didn’t put on a red cloak and white bonnet; no one was forced to have sex with anyone; no one’s pinky was cut off, but when Luke Parker objected to Hannah naked bungee jumping with another man it was all about controlling her body and what she does with it.

“This is a woman that I want to spend the rest of my life with and I totally thought that was crossing the line,” Luke fumed in his confessional. “Her body is her temple and to expose it to anyone who isn’t her husband, that was a slap in my face.”

A slap in his face?

Not only did Luke slut-shame Hannah just because she let her bare skin touch Garrett’s, he gaslighted her when she called him on his nonsense, claiming he’d been misunderstood.

No, Luke, we understand completely. We understand that you have decided that Hannah is going to be your wife and, as such, you expect her to conform to certain narrow codes of conduct. We understand that if you’re already this controlling when you’re still just one of seven men that Hannah is dating it would only get worse if she was blind enough to ignore all the blazing red flags and pick you in the end.

I can’t imagine it will come to that, but it is beyond infuriating that Luke is still around given the complete disrespect he has shown for Hannah.

Honey, let’s hope for your sake it’s door No. 2.

Anyway, let’s set Luke aside for a minute and talk about the rest of the episode.

Date No. 1 with Garrett: Yes, naked bungee jumping is apparently a thing in Riga, Latvia. Who says you can’t learn anything on The Bachelorette?

Hannah didn’t know about naked bungee jumping either and I presume she could have kept her clothes on if she wanted to, but she jumped in with both, er, feet. She and Garrett disrobed, were strapped together into an embrace and plunged 43 metres out of a cable car, screaming all the way down.

There were a couple of kisses, but Hannah said the nudity wasn’t sexual. Given the temperature (there were snowflakes swirling) and their mutual terror over the height, that sounds about right.

At dinner later, Hannah told Garrett she was battling every day to live her life for herself and not let others control what she does — another reminder that Hannah doesn’t walk the talk when it comes to Luke.

Garrett confessed he was falling in love “big time” with Hannah. He got a rose and many kisses.

Date No. 2 with Mike, Jed, Tyler, Dustin, Luke, Connor, Dylan: This date started out light as air. Hannah and the men wandered around a market sampling pickles and cheese and moonshine. They danced to music in a square. They went drinking and arm-wrestling in a pub. The wheels came off after Hannah confirmed that she had indeed bungee-jumped nude with Garrett.

Garrett had already told the men, but Luke didn’t believe him. Now that he knew it was true, he needed answers, he decided.

First he told Hannah that hearing about the nudity made him feel like he’d been cheated on, like his stomach had turned inside out.

When Hannah protested that the nudity wasn’t sexual, Luke replied, “But still, at the same time, I’m looking for you to meet my family soon and I felt like it was a slap in the face” — because how could he take a strumpet who allowed her bare skin to touch another man’s home to mom and dad? He didn’t say that, but that was the implication.

Then he blathered on about how he’d support her “even if you make a boneheaded mistake and you just do something completely out of your character and something that’s wrong.”

The worst part was that Hannah just sat there listening to this condescending speech instead of telling Luke to stick it up his butt and then go bungee jumping.

At least she gave the date rose to Tyler, who stood up to Luke and his puritanical bullcrap, telling him, “I actually respect and love that she went for it. She’s not making decisions for anyone else but herself.”

Date No. 3 with Peter: If Luke thought Hannah’s relatively chaste bungee jump with Garrett was objectionable it’s a good thing he didn’t see her in a sauna in the woods with Peter, as they rolled around and smooched, and Peter ran his hands up and down Hannah’s sweaty, bathing-suit-clad body. Now that was sexual.

Hannah wanted to make sure it wasn’t just chemistry between them. Peter confessed that he’d been guarding his heart ever since he ended a serious relationship, that he was falling for Hannah and that might be why the other relationship didn’t work out.

As his grandmother used to say, “Let the waters run, let the river flow as it may.”

The flow involved a rose, fireworks and even more deep kissing.

Back at the hotel: A couple of things of note happened. First Jed snuck out (inasmuch as such a thing is possible) and pulled a “Say Anything” outside Hannah’s hotel suite, except with his guitar and his own song instead of a boom box and Peter Gabriel.

Hannah totally fell for it and invited him up for some more guitar-playing and some kissing and straddling. Jed said he was falling in love with her — which we might have bought if we hadn’t read that he texted some other girl that he loved her just before he started shooting The Bachelorette.

I’m sure it was just a coincidence that a guy who admitted to joining the show to promote his singing career used his songs for his big seduction move.

Second, Hannah showed up at the guys’ suite to collect Luke for a chat about their bungee jump conversation.

It started well.

What did Luke mean by his crack about meeting his family, Hannah wanted to know. “I told you it wasn’t a sexual thing at all and it wasn’t, but even if it was, at this point it doesn’t matter. Because you’re not my husband, you don’t own my body, you don’t own me,” she said.

But Luke vomited out lies and rationalizations: he’d used the wrong words; he had full trust in Hannah making “the right decision”; it was her fault for telling him about her date; he would never tell her what to do with her body; when he brought up meeting his family it had nothing to do with the bungee jump, all he meant was that he wanted Hannah to be “confident and excited” to meet them.

“I was totally misunderstood,” he claimed. “I didn’t question your character. I don’t know if you totally remember everything I said.”

That’s gaslighting 101 right there.

When Hannah seemed on the verge of giving up on Luke, he returned to his default position: apologizing and promising to do better.

But we already know he’s never going to do better, which is why it’s so infuriating that Hannah gave him yet another rose — after cancelling the cocktail party because she was so upset by her conversation with Luke.

She claimed — before handing out flowers to him, Jed, Mike and Connor — that she was making “really hard choices,” but she’s not making the only hard choice that matters: to stop getting sucked in by Luke’s garbage and send him home.
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