Vinay Menon: A-Rod’s run-in with Kylie Jenner should teach him a marriage lesson: shut up
|Toronto Star 26 Jun 2019 at 13:14|
Now that Alex Rodriguez is engaged to Jennifer Lopez and destined to play shortstop on the red carpet as he bumps designer elbows with celebrity all-stars, he might consider keeping these new experiences to himself.
One of the most beautiful parts of marriage, in my opinion, is the privilege of riding shotgun through life next to a loving partner who can provide a helpful list, updated daily, of all the things I should not say in public. If my wife and I are at a party, I won’t ambush a reveller near the canapés with my strident views on, say, Justin Trudeau or a nagging feeling that maybe, just maybe, the Unabomber was right.
Real commitment is knowing when to shut your mouth.
True love is never talking out of school.
But for some reason, Rodriguez is unclear on all of this. Even worse, A-Rod does not grasp the A-list rules of engagement. So instead of putting a pinstriped sock in it, he goes to something like last month’s Met Gala and then casually tells Sports Illustrated in a story published Tuesday that one of the guests at his table, Kylie Jenner, was “talking about Instagram and her lipstick, and how rich she is.”
When I read that, I slapped my forehead and sighed: this poor bastard.
The former New York Yankees slugger had just foul-tipped into a potential feud with the Kardashian-Jenner clan. That’s like screaming loudly and waving your arms after you accidentally tumble into the lion enclosure at the zoo: you’re begging to be eaten alive.
And it didn’t take long for the scandal-obsessed, Entertainment jackals to shine a blinding spotlight on Rodriguez’s alleged “shade” of Jenner. Shortly after Sports Illustrated published its cover story, the headlines started popping up like fly balls during batting practice: “Kylie Jenner Talked About Something Super Rude At The Met Gala, Alex Rodriguez Says.” “A-Rod Put Kylie Jenner on Blast for Talking About How ‘Rich’ She Is at the Met Gala.” “Kylie Jenner spent Met Gala bragging to Alex Rodriguez about her Lip Kit and how rich she is.”
And somewhere, it was J. Lo’s turn to slap her forehead and sigh.
Now, it would be one thing if her fiancé’s biggest problem was loose lips. He’s new to her exalted world. There is no performance-enhancing drug that can prevent you from putting your foot in your mouth when surrounded by boldface. But if this was just about his flapping gums, Lopez could firmly whisper: “Alex, zip it.”
Alas, the weirdest part of this “feud” is that it appears to be a false memory.
On Tuesday, while retweeting a People story — “Kylie Jenner Talked About ‘How Rich She Is’ At the Met Gala, Says Alex Rodriguez” — the alleged billionaire braggart set the record straight with a little chin music of her own.
“Umm no i didn’t,” wrote Jenner. “We spoke about Game of Thrones.”
This was followed by two emoji — a shrug and, yes, a forehead slap.
Huh? So it was A-Rod who was talking about Kylie, and not Kylie who was talking about Kylie? When Rodriguez was teaching his kids the alphabet, did he start at “Z” and go backwards? Does he now have a vivid memory of that scene in Field of Dreams in which Kevin Costner plays catch with Darth Vader?
While the media glommed on to the Kylie diss, the preamble provided even more proof that, under no circumstance, should Rodriguez ever riff on any celebrity he may encounter as Mr. Jennifer Lopez.
This guy knows even less about Hollywood than my dad.
Here’s Rodriguez’s full Met Gala quote from Sports Illustrated: “We had a great table. The black guy from The Wire — Idris Elba, yeah, and his new wife. Some famous singer next to me, I don’t know what her name is. Versace — Donatella. We had Kylie and Kendall. And we had an Asian gentleman from Rich Asians, the lead. Kylie was talking about Instagram and her lipstick, and how rich she is.”
Black guy? Asian gentleman? Famous singer that might as well have been an amoeba?
If Apple’s Tim Cook and Taylor Swift had been at his table, Rodriguez would have fondly recalled: “You know the guy who makes the phones the doctors say you should eat to keep them away? Yeah, he was there. You know that skinny white chick who had the microphone snatched away by the crazy black rapper a while back? She was texting pictures of the soup to her cat.”