Vinay Menon: This column is 100 per cent guaranteed to offend no one

Vinay Menon: This column is 100 per cent guaranteed to offend no one
A light dusting of autumnal snow has given way to sunshine on this glorious Friday morning and, most important, how are you? No, really. How’s it going? Everything good? Can I get you anything? Hot chocolate? Fluffy pillow? Puppy? Sandwich? Bourbon? Slippers? Bottled water? Because with all of this lead in our pipes and the bureaucratic jackasses prone to inertia — no, no, no — there will be no ranting today.

Nope. This column is 100 per cent guaranteed to offend no one.

I had a bunch of possible subjects for today: Kanye West considering a name change to “Christian Billionaire Genius” and hinting at a presidential run. The frenzied speculation that Meghan Markle is already expecting Baby No. 2. The ghastly decision to cast a computer-generated version of James Dean in an upcoming movie. The appalling cowardice and profiteering of “Anonymous,” and his or her upcoming book on the swirling dysfunction that is Donald Trump’s White House. An 800-word coda on why I still hate Tim Hortons.

Nope. Group hug.

So under today’s 100 per cent guarantee to not offend, what should we discuss?

We can probably rule out anything that touches on politics. Most social issues are also way too divisive. Even popular culture is fraught with peril. Honestly, it’s all I can do right now to not excoriate John Legend and his rewriting of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside,” to make that classic Christmas song more #MeToo friendly. Eesh.

I could say John Legend is a condescending, virtue-signalling dingbat trapped inside a woke echo chamber who has absolutely no right to tinker with someone else’s art decades later just because he now deems the lyrics to be a little “date-rapey.”

I mean, John, how do we know “ White Christmas ” is really about snow? Shouldn’t you rewrite that one as well? I’m dreaming of a … di-verse Christ-mas. Also, why can’t the Little Drummer be a Girl? What’s that all about? And if you don’t celebrate Christmas, is it really the Most Wonderful Time of the Year? Bollocks.

John Legend? More like John Lunatic.

But I’m not going to say any of that mean stuff. It will offend someone.

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And this column is 100 per cent guaranteed to offend no one.

I’m also not going to speculate on Justin Trudeau’s whereabouts after squeaking out an election win. Why does our prime minister appear to be AWOL? There are no selfies, no photo-ops, no new fancy socks introduced into the public rotation. Is he off the grid? Is he holed up in a log cabin in brownface while strapped to a snowboard and dramatically reading lines on how to govern a second term?

I have no idea. But today we are not going there.

We are also not going to cover a new report from the Canadian Institute for Health Information, which found that 553 “foreign items” were left in surgery patients between 2016 and 2018. Huh? So you go in to get your gallbladder removed and, what, the surgeon accidentally leaves his wedding ring next to your liver?

I’m also not going to rant about the celebrated Do Not Call list of yesteryear, which just based on incoming activity to my cellphone THIS WEEK, should be rebranded, “Yeah, Sure, Call This Fool 25 Times A Day.” No, I don’t need my ducts cleaned! No, I don’t want your stupid free cruise! And, no, I don’t believe you are with the Canada Revenue Agency. In the background, for crying out loud, I can hear your colleagues shooting the breeze in Hindi.

Really? You’re threatening me with jail time for a phantom tax offence and then when I ask you to name the capital of Canada, as I recently did, you get flustered and hang up and presumably plot your revenge in the rickshaw ride home that evening? Get the hell out of here.

But I will not say any of that. No way! That would be offensive, and possibly racist.

So what I’m really trying to say today is that I love you guys.

Actually, let’s change “guys” to a more gender-neutral “people.” I love you people. I love you sweet, delightful, beautiful readers. And when I started with “good day,” that was presumptuous. I apologize. Who knows, maybe you’re reading this in the evening or early morning. I respect and value all times of the day.
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