News

Tabloids: The somewhat mediocre and predictable love life of the stars

On the Cover: Finally, a star-stuffed cover filled with lewd innuendo (Leonardo DiCaprio is “Titanic,” says one lady), kind words and good old fashioned dirt, the kind Will Rogers might’ve left on your rug. Anyway, the details. Alleged good lays: Portia de Rossi, Calista Flockhart and Ryan Gosling (though Gosling cried afterward). Naughty but kinda nuts: John Mayer, Jared Leto, LiLo. Duds even before their duds are off: Selena Gomez, Taylor Swift (talks strictly about her cat), Jennifer Love Hewitt (strictly about her mom). Ah well, I’ll just go back to fantasizing about Flo, the Progressive Insurance lady.

This week in hot news: A tell-all is coming from someone claiming to have been John Travolta’s lover. Get this: this lover … is a man! Travolta is trying to suppress it, and here’s hoping — I would hate to see this rumour start to spread.

US

On the Cover: Joe Mangianello and Sofia Vergara are beautiful, vain people in love — and mostly, they’re both in love with her. “The Pittsburgh-bred stud,” as the US writer (apparently hired from the Daily Racing Form) calls the Magic Mike star, has praised her to a source as “a real woman.” This is better than coming out and saying, “Her breasts are huge.”

This week in beat to death: Jay-Z and Beyoncé are keeping up appearances but their marriage’s kaput, we’re confidently assured (by unnamed sources). I wonder if she’s staying strong? I wonder if I’m gonna have to hear 14 songs saying so, again and again, on her next album?

OK!

On the Cover: No, no, lazy magazine: Jennifer Garner is married and evidently fertile; this is not a “shocker.” Liza Minnelli pregnant would be a shocker. Ben Affleck pregnant, a shocker. Jennifer Aniston pregnant would be a shocker.

Party games: Wealthy, pretty 22-year-old Selena Gomez is flying around to hot spots, partying all night, making out with model Cara Delevingne and possibly fooling around with a wealthy playboy. Needless to say, OK! is sure she’s going to be miserable. No other angle’s very comforting, is it?
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