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Vinay Menon: Bill and Melinda Gates are divorcing and we need to know who gets custody of Earth

Vinay Menon: Bill and Melinda Gates are divorcing and we need to know who gets custody of Earth
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After spending the past decade fighting disease and poverty around the world, it seems staying together is more vexing than the eradication of smallpox. So the billionaire philanthropists — they are to charity as the Kardashians are to bikini selfies — are headed to Splitsville.

As a species, we seek logical explanations. If you see a bear riding a unicycle down the street, you will have questions. Think about it. What’s the first thing you say after a friend tells you they are getting a divorce: What happened? Why are you breaking up?

Answers to such questions were not forthcoming this week.

There was no logical explanation. Was Melinda having, I don’t know, a torrid affair with Bono? Is Bill saddled with a debilitating foot fetish? Did the conspiracy theorists who now fear Mr. Gates as the ancient Greeks feared Zeus convince Melinda her husband really is an extraterrestrial on a mission to depopulate Earth and implant tracking devices in “vaccines” that will allow the intergalactic elites to commit genocide via 5G activation in pursuit of the carbon-to-silicon Great Transition that may or may not have something to do with Bitcoin?

It’s not clear. Instead, two of the most consequential people alive released a statement rife with boilerplate bromides. It sounded like it was ghostwritten by Clippy, that old cartoon paper clip assistant in Microsoft Office.

“We have made the decision to end our marriage.”

“We no longer believe we can grow together as a couple in this next phase of our lives.”

“We ask for space and privacy for our family as we begin to navigate this new life.”

First, everything is a decision. Some just have public impacts. Me frying white fish in almond butter last night did not. It was a decision that only affected my children, who thought it was disgusting. Bill and Melinda getting a divorce?

That impacts all of us. That’s why we must reject any request for privacy.

You either tell us why exactly you are breaking up or you catapult back into marriage counselling and livestream it so the hivemind can save your 27-year marriage. Also, what is this silliness about not being able to grow together? Grow up. After about the fifth anniversary, the growing stops. Marriage turns into an evergreen at peak maturity. You give it water and sunshine. You manicure. You pray for no invasive fungus. You learn to sport a grimacing smile when your shortcomings as a soul mate are casually alphabetized twice a week over bagels.
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