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Vinay Menon: Her Ellen DeGeneres interview confirms it: Salma Hayek is turning into an owl

Vinay Menon: Her Ellen DeGeneres interview confirms it: Salma Hayek is turning into an owl
Entertainment
The actress was interviewed by Ellen DeGeneres this week to promote her new film, “The Hitman’s Wife’s Bodyguard.” But most of the chit-chat fluttered around Kering, Hayek’s beloved birdie.

I had no idea you could rescue an owl and keep it as a pet. Perhaps it’s time to revive my dream of owning a peregrine falcon trained to attack door-to-door salespeople from Bell.

Then again, the rich and famous are all about conspicuous consumption, which includes animals you can’t buy at PetSmart. On my street in East York, unlike in Celebrityville, there are no tigers, kinkajous, donkeys, alpacas, miniature horses, pythons, wallabies and pot-bellied pigs.

If I were out for a stroll and glanced into a neighbour’s window to see a Capuchin plonked on a couch, eating Doritos and channel surfing, I’d put my house up for sale the next morning. My kids can’t be playing in the yard if there’s a chance of encountering an escaped cheetah from kitty-corner.

Cats and dogs, good. Lemurs and alligators, not good.

Now, I am not questioning Hayek’s love for Kering. When one of the most glamorous stars alive is willing to put up with Strigiformes droppings all over her designer furniture or laugh maniacally when Kering swoops down from a crystal chandelier to terrorize unsuspecting workers, that’s love. But I now fear Ms. Hayek has lost all sense of what constitutes a healthy human-animal bond.

The first tip-off came when she said her husband now refuses to sleep with Kering in their bedroom. She made it sound like he was a baby for not wanting to have a bird of prey stalking him from beside the clock radio.

So Salma and Kering can only have their slumber parties when the hubby is out of town. And here’s how she describes this dusk-to-dawn cohabitation: “Sometimes in the middle of the night, she just lands on my head. It’s a little bit jarring, but I’m kind of used to it. The worst is when your feet come out of the sheets, and she thinks that your toes are mice, and she just flies in and grabs it.

“That can be really terrifying.”

I bet. Equally terrifying is how Hayek is now morphing into an owl.

I used to be skeptical of those studies that argued humans look like their pets and, over time, adopt similar behavioural tics. But look at the photo atop this column. With those oversized, tinted shades on one face and the giant orange eyes on the other, these two are practically twins. They look like the same species.

Measure the angle of their heads and the flat, middle part on both. Salma has a perfect nose. Kering has a perfect beak. Their cheekbones have identical slopes. If there was a mouse tail dangling out of Salma’s mouth, no one would notice. Teach Kering how to talk and her first words will be from the second act of “Frida.”

Hayek was in her London manse for the interview and, with the time difference, it was close to midnight. But that was fine, she told Ellen. She didn’t mind staying up. No problem. She’s getting more and more … nocturnal.

I give it six months until her husband returns from a business trip to find his wife draped in feathered boas and crouched in a compact yoga pose, perched on a banister as her toes clamp onto the wood. I remember once reading about how owls use “tricks” to look skinnier and avoid detection in their natural habitats.

I believe this is known as a “concealment posture.” And I nearly fell out of my chair when Hayek described her own “tricks” when posting bikini snaps on social media:

“I go on a diet — like some weird diet for a short amount of time — right before I go on vacation. I take a lot of pictures. Once I have them in the can, I start eating again. I save the pictures and I start releasing them, like, you know, every month, every couple of weeks. So that people can think that I stay like that.”
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